Have you cleaned up your womb?

This is the first thing I ever said to my son and he kicked in acknowledgement. (whether that was affirmative or not, I'll never know) There are eight weeks to go now until he pops out. He isn't kicking so much as moving about, probably trying to find a comfortable position in his ever shrinking womb.

At the antenatal class this week, I learnt about breasts and their content, and about post natal depression. I had a dream afterwards that my wife had four pairs of breasts, like a boob shelf. I don't suppose it's something that's brought up in conversation quite often, but what does it taste like? It's been over 40 years since I've had any, so I can't remember. I read some time ago of someone in the UK turning breast milk into ice cream and apparently it's become quite a seller. With all the nutrients it contains it probably tastes like one of those anabolic shake things one sees on every other shop shelf these days.

Will I be able to use it if I run out of milk for my morning coffee? Or shake the vestibules thereof and have a cappuccino instead?

These are some of the things I found myself thinking about during the antenatal breast milk discussion. All that talk of engorged breasts, a future without sleep or silence, nappies and the various hues of poop that would fill them, led me to conclude that I might be suffering from pre-natal depression. They only ever talk about the post stuff! Surely there is at least such a thing as pre-natal stress, which I believe I'm fully entitled to?

I wanted to ask if nipples that are now the size of saucers and the colour of black coffee will return to their original dimensions. I know that would have seemed like a frivolous question to most, but I'm sure I wasn't the only one thinking it. Maybe I'll ask that question in the last minute of the last class.

The baby room still has a tumble dryer, boogie board, double bed and two bicycles in it. In other words, I haven't really achieved much in that department apart from clearing the cupboard. My son's future big brother, Garp (our dog), seems to know that something is afoot. He also has that pre-natal thing I was talking about.